Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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