and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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