Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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