When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
