I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
vagina is talking i cant
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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