I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
