there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
