there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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