I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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