I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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