drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
