If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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