you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
