Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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