Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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