dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
