I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
