I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
