I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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