i just sent this text using only my big toe
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
