I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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