I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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