We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
