can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
