I am in a vortex of obligation.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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