Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
