It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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