Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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