The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
