My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
