The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
