My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
