So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
