Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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