your parents love me but you hate me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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