I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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