i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
