You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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