She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
