I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
