My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I smell like Dick and happiness
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
