it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
