Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
