At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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