Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
