Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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