Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
