my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
