Just fell off a train. Bad.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
