you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
