Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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