I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
