this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Damn victory sex feels great
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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