well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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