ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
