I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
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I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
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He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Ladies don't puke and tell
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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