Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
